Yesterday I was running around doing some errands related to Veritas and while running around I was listening to an album by the Christian rock band Seventh Day Slumber. A song came on and the lyrics struck me in a way that they hadn't in the past. The song talks about just giving everything over to God, being real with him and others, and putting him first in your life. Lately I have been really struggling with my emotions, my feelings of worthlessness, anger that pops up quickly, stress, and defining myself by what i do, and not as a child of God. Veritas has not been worked out (so far) the way that I imagined it. It is the hardest thing I have done in my entire life and many days (almost every day) I feel like chucking it all. But God continues to speak to me about his call on my life, not as a pastor, church planter, etc... but just as a child of the King. While I am all concerned about whether I am a "success" or not, or whether Veritas will ever make it...he is more concerned with my inner life and whether or not I am faithful. "Success if faithfulness to God" is a line I remember from my seminary days.
Anyway driving down the road, the words struck me to the song and called me back to Jesus and his love for me. I want to follow Jesus even if I lose it all. I am thankful that he takes me in his arms and that he makes my feelings of worthlessness disappear. Here are the lyrics to the song...
I don't know what to think about me anymore, Cause I am still the same as always. Here I am again, that same old broken man. I can't make it on my own. I need You.
Chorus: And I am not afraid of anything anymore. And I am not ashamed, the masquerade has ended. And I will stand for You even if I lose it all. Cause nothing really matters, You are all that matters, Lord.
As messed up as I am, still You bring me in. You take me in Your arms and hold me. The worthlessness I feel, You make it disappear. You are always there, You're endless.
I don't know what to think about me anymore. Cause I am still the same as always.